I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
