we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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