So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
