Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize