so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
