I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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