Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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