You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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