A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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