At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
