I think i peed on brittanys purse
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
