I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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