I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
