he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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