I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
The uberlube is also flammable
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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