quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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