I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize