Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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