I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
