I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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