I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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