Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
