woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
