Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
