How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
you inspire me to be a worse person
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize