fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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