apparently the secret to your success is patron
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
