Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
