I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Randomize
