I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
