just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Randomize
