Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
