So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
