My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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