So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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