when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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