You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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