I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Your shirt... Was in my pants
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize