I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
