i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
