I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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