Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
