if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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