I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
