sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
