i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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