My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
