You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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