Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Randomize
