the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Randomize