I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize
