he wants to bone in the snuggie
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
