Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
