Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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