Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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