Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
