i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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