Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
