So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
